Saturday, March 19, 2011

HOPE, HEALING, HURT, TEARS of HUMBLENESS, FAITH + ACCEPTANCE

I'm sitting at my computer with no real idea about what I shall write. I just know that I must write.  My heart is filled to over-flowing . My  tears - dripping from  my chin.  A huge feeling of humbleness and thanks giving seems to come welling up from the core of my being. I am so blessed to have such a family and nuclear family that make up my life.  I don't know how anybody could survive without such a back-up system.

I'm going to write about the things that have been happening over the past couple of weeks.  As you know, I was scheduled to have surgery on my left hip on April 8, 2010, but the  internal specialist cancelled my operation date because (in his view) my heart was too weak and I probably wouldn't live through the surgery.  I told him that he didn't know me, but he wouldn't be swayed.  So, I waited another year, dragging myself around with chronic pain that lasted 24X7 and didn't know how to let up.  After awhile your brain begins to shut down, even though you aren't really aware of it until the pain has subsided. As it has now.

AS USUAL, when I tell you about something there are always previous happenings that lead up to it.
I will try to take it easy on you and make my posts a little shorter.  Of course, there may be more of them to read.  Sorry.

I've  already told you about my Poopsie crossing over The River of Hope that  the Creator has set out for the Sheshalh people.  The promise is that "The last campfire shall not be extinguished nor will the wind cease to give breath to the earth, until the last Sheshalh person has joined the ancestors beside the campfire of their father.
To try to absolve the pain of loss I was looking around for a way to skirt it or circumvent it. I didn't want to face it, to admit that my Poopsie was gone from this life.  I was like an ostrich burying its head in the sand -attempting to deny what was.   I know now that that was a cowardly thing to do.  But I had to learn the lesson for myself.
  • In 2005, I was sitting at my computer and thinking about acting of all things. 
  • My phone rang and it was Lynna.  She asked what I was up to . . .
  •  Short version - 'I was thinking about trying acting.' 
  • She wanted to know where that had come from.  "Just thought I'd like to give it a try.  Can't be too hard.  We're all acting ever day of our lives."
  • She warned me that it wouldn't be easy because Vancouver was really busy  with movies, etc.  She said that I would need an Agent. No one would consider me without one and agents were at a premium.
  • Hmmmmh? I said, "I'll put it on the Wind."  She figured it would take weeks or even months.
  • Not even one week later she called and said I now had an agent.  She was totally surprised, but I figured it was because there weren't too many 72 year old Coast Salish Indian woman out there looking for an opportunity.  (?)  Who knows, right?
  • She got me an interview to show them how I could do my stuff. Smile.
  • Long story short.  The play was about a whole lot of young women that had been murdered.  Most were young, beautiful and and some  were hookers.
  • I went for my interview and this is what took place.
  • I stepped into a dimly lit room that had a place to stand with a coach behind me.  Quite a number of bright lights focused on me, There was some guy sitting off to the left in the shadows and about 8 or 9 other individuals sitting in the semi-darkness. 
  • They were the panel that were going to rate my performance.
  • I peered into the darkness attempting to make eye-contact with each one.
  • The guy on the left said, "I note from your resume' that you have never  acted in a movie before?" 
  • I told him I was an instructor and had 'put on' many plays so I didn't think it would be too difficult.
  • He cast a quick  glance at the people in the shadows and they sort of tittered at my audacity.
  • He said, "What made you want to try out for this particular play?"
  • Awww, hell.  I may as well throw caution to the wind.  In reality, I  was there to try out for the part of an elderly Indian woman, a real grandma type.
  • I answered, "Well, I've never had the opportunity to play the part of a prostitute before and I thought it was a challenge I'd like to try."  I didn't crack a smile.  I looked right at him and then slowly rotated to take the whole panel into the picture. 
  • He was shocked out of his socks.  They all were.  They expected me to talk about the grandma role.
  • They made a quick decision and ran me through the lines of my script.  It went pretty darn good, I think they were impressed.
  • He said that they'd let me know within the week about the part.
  • I left and went to find Holly Ann.  We got a coffee and were still sitting there drinking it when they delivered a message stating that the part was mine.  I signed contracts and we did the play over the next two or three months.  My part was very small.
  • The beautiful young actresses would come over to me after they had done their acting parts and apologize for the language they used.  They usually said something like, "I'm really not like that and I don't use that sort of language. Please don't think badly of me."
  • They cared about what I may think of them, so I guess I fulfilled the grandma role.
  • I didn't get to Vancouver when the movie was debuting because of my hip.  I have never even seen the movie, although others on Band Lands have.  They said it was okay. Actually, I was surprised when they came by to tell me they'd seen the movie and that I'd done a good job.  I had never told anyone about that episode of my life.  I figured that just Holly Ann's family and Lynna's family knew about it.
  •   The bottom line is -  I realized that I was trying to avoid Life.  One can not do that forever.  One has to stop and face what ever is gaining on them, look it directly in the eye, boot it in the butt and send it on its way.  

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